Marriage always starts in
romance. There's the romantic steps of courtship, the wedding, and
the honeymoon. Of necessity, marriage also immediately evolves into a
business – income earned, expenses, and yes, profit or loss
(savings or debt or break-even). It is important for that marital
“business” to be conducted as an equal partnership on major
business decisions (housing, cars, furniture, vacations, etc.) and
not into a boss-employee type of relationship if the romance is to
stay alive. There is no “my money” and “your money”. There is
only “our money”.
Most marriages involve the
creation of children which is about a 20 year obligation, often more,
on each child created. Though not a business, raising children
requires a great amount of time, expense, and effort that, depending
on how performed, can either enhance romance (which it should) or
take away from it (which it shouldn't). Yes, children reduce the
amount of private, personal time together for parents, but the love
for your children is or should be a love that reinforces your own
love for each other as you each, separately and also together, as the
need or opportunity rises or is deliberately planned and created,
make efforts to attend to your children's needs and aspirations.
Given the business needs and
the children needs of marriages, which of necessity consume huge
amounts of time, it is easy for romance to take a back seat and/or
for “irritations” between husbands and wives to occur. The
challenge is to keep the romance alive and thriving. There are many
ways to achieve this goal. Here are just a few:
- Always kiss and/or hug each other when you wake up, go to bed, or leave your home for any reason (work, shopping, etc.). Say the words “I love you” and mean it frequently.
- Kiss each other for no reason during your waking hours. For example, sometimes when passing by your spouse in your home for any reason, such as something as simple as getting up to go to the kitchen for a bite to eat while watching TV, divert for a few seconds and kiss your spouse and say I love you and mean it.
- Don't have the time nor inclination for sex every time you go to bed or wake up in the morning (normal), then just hug or hold each other for a few minutes at least a couple of times each week as time permits.
- Get ticked off at your spouse for whatever reason (going to happen occasionally), remember all the reasons you love him or her, and keep your voice low. May not always work because emotions come out sometimes before the brain kicks in gear, so if on the receiving end of a spousal outburt against you, resist the natural inclination to yell back. Speak softly instead. There is no “winning” of spousal disagreements by dominating or bullying your spouse through yelling. Such actions are a marital loss for both people
- Small things count too. For example, when walking from the car together to go to a store, restaurant, or movie, take that opportunity to hold each other's hands. Such simple gestures reinforce the romance, as touch is a very powerful sensory feeling.
- There will be times when you cannot agree on significantly important matters such as what house or car to buy, a child's disciplinary action, important spending and savings decisions, etc.. That is “normal”. There is usually no right or wrong involved in these disagreements. Treat each other's differences with respect and make an effort to understand why your spouse feels the way he/she does. That is much more important than the actual decision ultimately made. Sometimes these disagreements may need to be “tabled” and discussed at a later date when both of you are less emotional.
- When your spouse is sick or tired or just not feeling right, help out however you can even if it means going beyond what normally has been each other's “chores”. Tell each other you love them. The person being helped should say thank you to their spouse either then or when feeling better.
- Stay sober, faithful, and (illegal) drug free at all times.
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